Voldemort's Diary
by Cerridwen
Summary: Do you want to know the deepest secrets of Voldemort's black little heart? Then you have to read that.
1. Resurrection

A/N: I thought these up last night in a _very giggly mood. In fact, I was laughing half the night. I hope it'll get some laughs out of you too. ;) Please review and tell me what you think!_

Disclaimer: All the characters mentioned belong to JK Rowling. Mine are just the insane ideas. 

Dear Diary,

here I am sitting in my new body and it is with mixed feelings. On the one hand I am glad that I can finally hold my dear vulture-feather-quill again. On the other hand I miss being carried around by Wormtail and clinging onto his neck. Since long I have begun to fancy him. He always has such a lovely smell of rat about him. 

As my loyal servants appeared in the night of my resurrection, I had to realize, to my great indignation, that Snape and Karkaroff were not amongst them. I must say, I am deeply cross with them. I certainly won't invite them to my next Death Eater party, that's for sure!

Harry Potter did me a great service by giving me some blood, but he's finally gone too far. Not only did he force me to spend thirteen years as a mere shadow, wandering through the landscape, no, now he has even screwed up my wand! Since that blasted Priori Incantatem business it isn't working properly anymore. It keeps emitting purple smoke and naked women. The whole thing is rather embarrassing. After all, I don't want Wormtail to think I am unfaithful to him. I had to break into a Muggle shop and steal a fake wand which I am using as a dummy so no one notices. 

Harry Potter, the snot, ran away when I wanted to duel with him and I had to send my Death Eaters after him because I was having a hard time hiding all those naked women suddenly erupting from my wand. Alas, my Death Eaters failed me! If only I could have gone myself! They simply achieve nothing without me. 

Now they're sulky because I threw a tantrum and told them they were inept blockheads. Actually, I found myself pretty scary as I stood there, stomping my foot and yelling at them.


	2. Evil Overlord Cocktail

Dear Diary,

as I was sitting in the living room in my new dressrobes (the ones with pictures of torture instruments. Wormtail talked me into buying these as we were shopping together. He thought they looked much more impressive than the ones with the daisy pattern.), leafing through my favourite book _My Mortal Enemy – 20 tips and tricks how to really annoy him, I had another brilliant idea on killing Harry Potter. _

I immediately instructed my Death Eaters to prepare everything for the ingenious plan. We sneaked into Hogwarts, fastened a net at the ceiling of the Gryffindor common room toilet and put a glass of castor-oil on Harry Potter's bedside table. Of course, the castor-oil was disguised as pumpkin juice. When Harry Potter went to bed, he would see the glass and drink its contents and then come running to the toilet where we were waiting with the net. 

Of course, Lucius, the twit, mucked it all up. He confused the glass of castor-oil with my Evil Overlord Cocktail. When I was hiding behind the curtain in the Gryffindor common room, I asked for the cocktail we had brought with us to shorten the wait for me, and as I started to drink, I felt an urgent need to go to the loo. Inside the bathroom the trap went off and I was caught in the net. Because it was so dark, the Death Eaters didn't notice it was me they had caught and not Harry Potter until they had tied me to the rack in our torture cave. 

I didn't speak to them for three days and I am still cross that Harry Potter got my Evil Overlord Cocktail.


	3. The Letter Bomb

Dear Diary,

I had another evil plan these days. I was so sure that this time it wouldn't go wrong, but alas! I didn't succeed again. 

I sent Harry Potter a letter bomb. The letter was disguised as a response from the _Witch Weekly Contest for the Handsomest Boy in Britain and stated that it contained the first prize. I was so sure it had worked that I didn't think about it anymore and went on in my usual activities in overtaking the world. _

A few days later, the letter came back because I had gotten the address of Hogwarts wrong. When I saw that letter in my letter box from _Witch Weekly and it said that I had won the __Contest for the Handsomest Boy in Britain, I thought it was meant for me. I was so touched that Wormtail might have sent my picture to Witch Weekly as a surprise for me. So I opened the letter. _

Now my torture instrument robes are burnt. I am fuming! 


	4. How To Tell The Boy I Love How I Feel

Dear Diary,

Recently I bought a copy of _Teen Witch because there was an interesting article in there. It was about __How To Tell The Boy I Love How I Feel. I thought it might help me to express my feelings for Wormtail. _

In the article it said that Wormtail liked to feel strong and had an instinctive urge to protect me from danger and fear. The article advised to dress up, then feign fear in a certain situation, make my fear clear to Wormtail and then ask him to take me somewhere else - dancing for example. 

So I waited until a thunderstorm was forecast, put on the banana yellow robes decorated with little hearts, and sat with Wormtail on the porch. As soon as the first thunderbolts were crashing down, I snuggled up against Wormtail, laid my head on his shoulder and said in a terrified whisper, "Thunderstorms are really scary! Do you mind taking me somewhere else? Dancing for example?"

I don't know why, but somehow it didn't work out the way it should. Even though I did everything according to _Teen Witch. But Wormtail gave me a horrified sort of look as though I was completely bonkers and ran away. _

I spent the rest of the day crying into my favourite robes and now they're wet!


	5. Stomach Upset

Dear Diary,

I cooked up another plan to kill Harry Potter. I thought this one was really cunning and evil, miles better than anything we had tried so far and sure-fire. 

I sent Harry Potter a poisoned cake for Christmas. However, he seemed to have left it lying around because Crabbe and Goyle spotted it and ate it. Now they're both lying in the Hospital Wing with stomach upset and their fathers are giving me hell by complaining how I could have acted so irresponsibly.

P.S.: Wormtail's avoiding me which is rather depressing.


	6. Happy Birthday, dear Voldie!

Dear Diary,

Today was my birthday. I must say, I was so very deeply touched as my dear Death Eaters came, stood before me in a half-circle and sang "Happy Birthday, dear Voldie". 

And then someone stepped out of the row, carrying a silver tablet with a piece of parchment on top. It bore a message from my spies, saying that Harry Potter had detention on that day because he had been cheeky to his Potions Master. That made my day! I was so happy that I was hopping once around the circle on one leg, yodelling. 

But of course the climax of the day was when Wormtail gave me his present, an inflatable snake for my bath tube. I was overwhelmed. Tears sprang to my eyes and I could only hug Wormtail tightly. He looked a little shaken afterwards, but he's actually speaking to me again!


	7. Recruiting Allies

Dear Diary,

I was having dinner with Wormtail when I had the ingenious idea of recruiting allies in my eternal battle against all Good in this world. And who would be more efficient, I thought, than the mighty, awe-inspiring sentinels of Azkaban, the Dementors?

First thing next morning, I dragged the protesting Wormtail and Lucius to the next Muggle shipping company and hired a boat to sail to Azkaban Island. They were nagging me the whole time to turn back, blabbing about fear, being Kissed and losing their souls. I didn't see their problem. They couldn't dampen my high spirits; I was filled with triumph. 

Unluckily, that changed when that dratted, idiotic figure of a Dementor appeared in front of me and spoilt everything. I suddenly got such a strange feeling: My hands became sweaty, my knees began to tremble and my teeth started to chatter (later Wormtail explained to me that it was called 'fear'). Then those awful memories preyed on me: Wormtail refusing my invitation to a tea-dance; Wormtail being mad at me because his new magic-hand was faulty and kept hitting him on the head; my disappointment when I learned that I hadn't won the Witch Weekly Beauty Contest after all... It was more than anyone could take. I got a mad urge to squeak loudly and run away, which I eventually did. 

I didn't care about anything. I lifted my robes and dashed off at top speed. Not even my Death Eaters' laughter could stop me, when they saw that I was wearing shorts dotted with teddy bears under my robes. Blindly and not knowing where I was headed, I raced over the rocks, which was probably the reason why I failed to see the cliff, all of a sudden trod on air - literally - and found myself in the water below where I nearly drowned (I can't swim). 

But Wormtail, my hero, arrived just in time and rescued me by dragging me into the boat. I'll have to award him. Maybe I'll appoint him His Dark Lordship's Rescuer In Situations Of Mortal Danger. 


	8. How To Rid Yourself Of A Nuisance

Dear Diary,

After the most embarrassing incident at Azkaban, I became my Death Eaters' object of ridicule. Of course Wormtail and Lucius hadn't been able to keep their mouths shut, and everyone was taunting me about my teddy bear shorts. It was unbearable. I had to add a new rule to the _Code of Loyal Death Eaters to rid myself of this nuisance: From now on shorts printed with teddy bears are officially a part of the Death Eater garb, and __everyone must wear them. It was most amazing how quickly they stopped laughing - just like magic! _

The disadvantage, however, is that I can't induce my low-spirited Death Eater lot to carry out the next raid. They are afraid the wind could lift their robes and their victims might see the teddy bears. 


	9. The Ultimatum

Dear Diary,

I'm beginning to believe that the constellation on the day of my birth is making itself felt. I remember being told that I was born at the sign of the Broken Wand, the worst sign in the wizarding world there is. 

Once again one of my praised plans was a complete flop. As all the former attempts to kill or abduct Harry Potter have proven, my Death Eaters are obviously too stupid to catch him themselves. So I tried a different approach to the delicate Potter-business. 

I resolved to set Albus Dumbledore an ultimatum: Either he handed over the boy or I would raze Hogwarts to the ground by setting free a rampaging horde of pixies. 'If Dumbledore wants to save Hogwarts,' I thought, 'then he will have no choice but to let go of the Potter boy.' 

So I went to Hogwarts, climbed the walls of the castle - which by the way is no fun at all with long robes (as I still haven't got a new wand, I couldn't levitate myself up the wall) - and climbed through the luckily open window of Dumbledore's office. 

Dumbledore wasn't there - an excellent opportunity to prepare myself, I thought. I intended to position myself in an awe-inspiring pose in the centre of the room, to raise my fake wand, and to wear my most terrifying killer look. Dumbledore would crumble at my feet the moment he caught sight of me and the Potter boy would be mine!

Alas, it all went wrong. On my way through the office I slipped on a Phoenix dropping, crashed into a pillar bearing a stone bust of the Czech sorcerer Jaroslav the Strangler, the pillar tipped over and Jaroslav the Strangler landed on my head. 

When I woke up from unconsciousness, the long crooked nose of Albus Dumbledore was poking into my face. Dumbledore said that it was a crying shame that a once brilliant wizard had sunken so low and that I shouldn't have tried to kill Harry Potter fourteen years ago because the rebounding curse had obviously affected my brains. He didn't find it necessary to call the Ministry of Magic since in my current state, as he put it, I wouldn't even be able to hurt a Flobberworm if I wanted to. 

By Merlin's left nostril! If I hadn't been so dazed from Jaroslav the Strangler crashing onto my head, I would have locked the old crackpot in his Phoenix cage and roasted the dratted bird over the fire! It is all the Phoenix's fault! Why did it have to leave its accursed droppings everywhere?

As it was, Dumbledore grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and dragged me to the exit of the Entrance Hall where he kicked my butt and told me that he'd prefer I dispense with the silly plans and stay in my Death Eater lair. 

I'm already planning my revenge! I should have foreseen that Dumbledore rubs his boots with _Willy__ Windbag's Steel Covering Lotion for Wizarding Foot Wear ("No hole, no scuff - the steely stuff is tough!"). I couldn't sit for a week!_


End file.
